Jokes About Stage Managers

Good News, Bad News

Two stage managers, nearing the ends of their careers, were discussing the likelihood of there being some form of theatrical endeavor in the hereafter. The first consulted a friendly medium. Later the following exchange took place between the two stage managers:

SM1: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a wonderful theatre in heaven -- well equipped, spacious, plenty of wing space. In fact, there's a show opening tomorrow night."
SM2: "That's wonderful! So what's the bad news?"
SM1: "You're calling the show."


The Perfect Blackout

An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates. As a reward for years of patience, discretion, and endeavor, St. Peter granted him a single wish.
"I've never seen a perfect blackout -- can that be arranged?" he asked.

St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. There was not a hint of spill from work lights or prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop -- just complete silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds.
When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck.

Break Time

Q: Why don't they give stage managers breaks?
A: Because it's too hard to re-train them.

Pencils

Q: How many pencils does a stage manager have?
A: One. They can draw another one out of their hair if they lose it.

Some light bulb Jokes

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Complain to the director at notes.

Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it.

Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.

Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem.

Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?

Q: How many theatre critics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, 1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.

Q: How many theatre students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Erm, what's the deadline, cos I may need an extension.

Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."

Q: How many interns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again anyway.

Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe.

Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Why do we need another light bulb?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Where's IATSE?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's on my list...It's on my list...

Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.

Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-five and a minimum of four hours, you got a @!%#&@ problem with that?

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP you idiot!

Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Where's my assistant?

Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can never find their light.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: NONE! there isn't enough money in the budget.

The Experiment

A renowned research institution undertakes to document the spatial-cognitive processes of intellectuals in various professions. They recruit an architect, a surgeon, and a props manager. They construct three isolation booths, completely sealed off from external interactions or stimuli. They place one guy in each booth, and give each one a set of three perfectly-matched steel balls, about three inches in diameter each. They seal the booths and return in one week.

The architect has constructed a geometrically-perfect pyramid with the balls, yielding insights into stress dynamics and materials tension. The surgeon has placed the balls in a formation that hints at the nature of the unexplored regions of the human genome, solving some fundamental questions involving genetics and DNA.

When the props manager's booth is opened, the interior is a shambles and there are no balls to be found. Upon inquiry, the props guy says, "Okay, okay. I admit I DID lose the first ball. But I SWEAR I don't know what happened to the second one, and besides, you only gave me two balls to begin with!"


updated 02/09/2011
 

 

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